Acceptance and gratitude were my words for 2011.  After spending the first year of Wes’ life wishing things were different, it became apparent that something needed to change.

For 10 years I said I never wanted kids.  Then after a series of aha moments (thank you Oprah), I decided I did.  Nine months later I was pregnant and nine months after that, well, I had my boy.  Prior to Wes I had little experience with babies.  With no siblings, few younger cousins, never having babysat and no close friends with kids I had not been exposed to the life altering, world quaking experience that having one of your own brings.  So needless to say I had some adjusting to do.

With my statement of never having kids (that was a box if ever I built one), came a lot of judgment as well—judgment of what I thought having a family was and what it looked like (ever heard the term breeder?  Now that’s not very nice is it).  Without having processed that judgment, when I had my son it turned out I also had a lot of negative opinions about being a mom.  These views would come creeping in, sometimes in the happiest of moments, and there I would be disclaiming my new role.

I was a mom.  He was my beautiful son.  My life had changed forever.

When Wes was born we had a home birth.  Wes had the cord wrapped 3 times and did not breath on his own before being emergency transported to the hospital.  We didn’t hold him for 4 days.  I wanted this to be different too.  I mourned every time I saw a picture of a new mom happily holding her child after giving birth.  I was jealous and rather celebrating the new life, I would shrug it off.  This felt embarrassing and shameful.

The feelings of sadness for our birth, despite our healthy happy boy, and the mourning of my loss of freedom, despite having a beautiful thriving family, shook me a bit. 

The only choice was start to accept these changes in my life and focus on the gratitude for all that I had, otherwise drown in the sadness and shame I was feeling.

Breath…aahh… you have choices now.  ~unknown

Life feels connected now and we are more fluid.  My mother in law likes to say, it is best not to get attached to outcomes and I love it when she says it.  It is one of those adages that you can never hear enough.  There you are zipping along through life and then boom something’s amiss or your scale gets tipped and it can be so hard to rebalance.  Remember acceptance, remember gratitude. 

Today on December 31^st, 2011 and I am buzzing.  I have never paid much attention to New Years, so this is new for me.  It is the excitement of knowing that I can exercise such control over my life, despite the outcome.  This year I get to choose my words, not just let them happen to me.  2011 seemed to be a great year of transition for so many people and it wasn’t easy.  It seems that we are in agreeance, in 2012 we will experience life on the other side of those changes.

My word for 2012 is Connection.  I am ready connect with people authentically.  Without the feeling of shame and self judgment, I am able to connect without fear of being judged and It’s pretty fricken cool.  Already I am feeling the warmth from the prospect. 

What are you thinking about for yourself in this new year?  With no attachment to outcome of course.  What will bring you warmth and allow you to feel understood?

Have a word, intention, or resolution for 2012?

I’d love for you to leave a comment and see what you’re thinking.  My connection with you starts here.

I'm going to a party tonight and this is what I'm bringing.  Recipes in 2012 are all going to be this simple:

cucumber peeled and sliced in 1 inch pieces

diced red onion

diced celery

chopped cilantro

diced green apple

chopped cooked shrimp

rice wine vinegar

s & p to taste

chop all the ingredients tiny tiny (except the cucumber)

drizzle in vinegar

scoop out seeds of rounds, leaving just a little to create a little bowl with the cucumber

fill with shrimp salad

So simple. So easy. So delicious.  Happy New Year!